my mind is glitching. it’s been like this since the morning. no, actually for several weeks, i haven’t been able to concentrate properly. my attention is scattered in every direction. i feel a need to do something, to create, but at the same time, i can’t bring myself to do anything. i’m anxious. i constantly think that i should be doing something else, no matter what i’m doing. how do i break out of this vicious cycle?

maybe i should actually be doing my job… but why? whether i do it now or someone else does it in six months — it makes no difference. am i a scammer? maybe.

i feel like i’ve always been a scammer. until now, everything has come to me quite easily. without much effort, i sailed through high school, got into college, and completed my bachelor’s degree. what if i was just good at scamming everyone and nobody ever caught me? now, i feel as if everyone else got some memo that i missed. it’s like the world has become more complicated and suddenly my scams are not enough.

for four years in school, i comforted myself thinking that this early awakening from youthful ignorance was good, that i had time to prepare, that when the real confrontation with the world came, i would be ready, a step ahead of the others. but now, i don’t feel that way. i’m not ready, not ahead, just four years more anxious without having learned much.

what’s next?

the laughter of quiet people sounds the sweetest

in desperate need of singing lorde’s supercut at the top of my lungs

Confusion is the engine of my writing.

missing the thrill of crushing on someone, not knowing if they even notice me, summoning the courage to make a move, and experiencing the sweet sensation of discovering that the crush was mutual

i’m no longer afraid of my half-baked thoughts. the “i have nothing to write about, nothing to say” was mostly a disguise for uncertainty in my own opinions.

when we say things like “i will love you forever” or “i will never leave you,” it’s not really about how much we can actually promise that, because none of it can be guaranteed. it’s more about believing in it at that particular moment.

entering rebuilding phase

That’s just the fucking human experience.

when building a community, the first step is friendship; tools come later.

trying to bind together a group of strangers with complex tools rarely works.