Sometimes I feel like I’m the worst kind of person.

There are those aggressive business people who accept “the game” and use its rules to benefit from it, and there are people who choose the opposite end — refusing to accept “the game” and sacrificing comfort to preserve integrity.

And then there are “the middle ones” like me — we keep the system running for just enough money so we can continue, but not enough to ever escape it.

To make things worse — I’m aware of it, yet I still continue.

The worst kind.

thinking about hands lately
hands in general
but mainly yours

what to do with a desire that has nowhere to go? desire is ecstasy only when reciprocated. otherwise, it’s suffering.

similarly, when someone desires you but you do not desire them, that is also suffering.

if it’s mutual, the desire multiplies and grows exponentially. if it’s not, suffering multiplies and grows exponentially.

you put into your mouth things I held in my hands. cooking is sooo intimate.

Brie Larson singing ‘Black Sheep’ by Metric in ‘Scott Pilgrim vs. the World’ is constantly on my mind. Especially the part where she says ‘shape-shift and trick’ makes my heart melt…

nekritizuji víru ale církev

I have moments when I have a feeling of complete mental clarity, and then there are moments when I say things that I have no idea where they come from. wtf is this?

i’m a flower
touch is my water
water me daily,
or I will wither away

high tide, splash over me and carry me back to the sea. i yearn to be surrounded and become integral to your vastness, just as a single drop seamlessly merges into the ocean. i long to be enveloped by your waves and absorbed completely, losing myself in your boundless embrace. let me be one with you, as inseparable as the stars are from the night sky, as essential as the rhythm of the tides to the earth’s heartbeat.

my mind is glitching. it’s been like this since the morning. no, actually for several weeks, i haven’t been able to concentrate properly. my attention is scattered in every direction. i feel a need to do something, to create, but at the same time, i can’t bring myself to do anything. i’m anxious. i constantly think that i should be doing something else, no matter what i’m doing. how do i break out of this vicious cycle?

maybe i should actually be doing my job… but why? whether i do it now or someone else does it in six months — it makes no difference. am i a scammer? maybe.

i feel like i’ve always been a scammer. until now, everything has come to me quite easily. without much effort, i sailed through high school, got into college, and completed my bachelor’s degree. what if i was just good at scamming everyone and nobody ever caught me? now, i feel as if everyone else got some memo that i missed. it’s like the world has become more complicated and suddenly my scams are not enough.

for four years in school, i comforted myself thinking that this early awakening from youthful ignorance was good, that i had time to prepare, that when the real confrontation with the world came, i would be ready, a step ahead of the others. but now, i don’t feel that way. i’m not ready, not ahead, just four years more anxious without having learned much.

what’s next?