19 Nov, 23

today's entry is written again in my apartment after a weekend spent at the cottage with my brother, mom, her husband, and grandparents.

I enjoyed the weekend despite occasional weird thoughts recurring over and over. It's fascinating to observe my grandparents, how long they've been together, and how you can feel the love between them and towards all of us, their descendants.

It's strange tho how much love someone who doesn't really know me can give me—not the true real myself, at least, i think.

I've been thinking about how painfully painful it must be to lose a life partner. I've been wrecked by breaking up relationships that lasted no more than 4 years, the pain of losing someone you've known for 50 years or even more must be sooo intense. I'm not surprised that those people often leave together or shortly after each other.

During Saturday, I also attempted to write my first "official" blog post. I have two writing modes: endless overthinking and a "fuck it, let’s gooo" mode. In the past, I usually drowned my writing attempts within the first mode. This time, I just wrote and then published without even rereading it. I even shared it on IG! I don't know how many people read it, if it makes any sense, I try not to think about it.

I hope to build greater trust in my feelings and opinions through this. I want to learn to write and thus communicate more comprehensibly. And as a side effect, somehow get closer to people around me and increase the chances of serendipity.

I have some doubts about Substack; the emails already bother me. So, I'll probably move to a personal website next time. But I need to figure out subscriptions.

Now, I'm lying in a bed that seems larger than before. Trying to stay grounded. Breathing calmly.

On Thursday, I had the first session with a new therapist. It feels more human than the last one. I'm still not sure if I trust this type of "help," but I want to be open to it. More updates coming soon.

Take care 🌱