11 Oct, 23
Over the past few days, I've been without the internet. It surprised me how much space that created for thinking (and perhaps overthinking). It took me to a strange place. Could this be a form of nostalgia? It's certainly influenced by the fact that it's been almost a year since things started going downhill, and the regular reminders from my photo gallery like "on this day a year ago" don't help.
I'm mostly upset because I feel like I'm not making any progress. I'm upset because I'm not fully enjoying the positive notions I'm currently experiencing. I have a new friend, and we have a nice connection I think. I've rarely experienced clicking with someone like this before.
For the first time ever, I'm living alone, so I don't have to adapt to anyone or anything. I can walk around naked, dance, and cook whenever I want, go wherever I please (but this argument isn't so strong when I know it's not much different from the life I'd probably have with K.)
I enjoy discovering my rhythms, rituals, noticing things I pay attention to, what I miss, what tastes good to me, what bores me. For a chronic people pleaser, it's a completely new moment, suddenly not having to please anyone but oneself.
I'm trying to think that this might be the last time I'm single in my life. And even though I'm not someone who minds merging with someone, life alone has certain aspects that can't be transferred into a relationship. I'm trying to think about that and enjoy it in my own way.
I value more and more the time I spend alone. Before, I would randomly go out with someone for no reason. Today, I think more about whether I'll devote my energy to someone or keep it to myself.
I'm trying to filter out external influences, focus on myself, do things that make sense to me.
I'm trying not to think about a future that may or may not happen. I'm trying not to dwell on a past that no longer exists. I'm trying to live in the here and now (jeez, cliché), but just as everything switched to a mess last year, everything can switch for the better this year.
My heart is cracked open. I think I'm successfully resisting the tendency to flood it with some toxic, fast-paced relationship, as I did in the past. I admit that the tendencies are there, but my body has been content for a long time to accept anything else.
I want to invest time in friends, learn something, create a world for myself.
I don't know if I believe that a person must first learn to live with themselves to be sure that when they live with someone else, they don't use them as a means. In the end, we live in a society, and one of the many beautiful things we can do is be here for each other. In good and bad times, right?
I'm contemplating my place in this world, what I can give to my surroundings or community. I feel that I can create a sense of home or something like that.
"Taking out the trash, being the trash that needs to be taken out."
It's crazy how some words my friend years agy used to describe me come back to me. It was something along the lines of "you’re like a sponge, absorbing what's around" and "you’re like "flies, eat me,"" – which means I don't care about anything. Is it true? I feel like I care about a lot of things. It would need some reflection to defend that, but nothing comes to mind. But it's true that I was probably raised to be adaptable. (Adaptable, ha. That’s a really nice word. And also a nice thing to be, I guess) I can handle and accept a lot of things I think...
Maybe some things don't make sense or contradict each other. But that's the state of my mind right now.
I guess I'm done for today…
Take care 🌱