07 jan, 2024

Two steps forward, three steps back. Every time I think I'm progressing, there's some pushback. I'm thinking of it like a video game, where when you fail, you return to the last saved point and have to repeat the level until the sequence of actions you take is the right one to unlock the next level.

I think I've had some glimpses of what they call "okayness," but it's still not stable. From time to time, I feel fear, anxiety, and even shame, mainly because it seems like I'm not moving forward and I'm just going in circles.

I easily get distracted, prioritize short-term pleasures over long-term vision, and I hate myself for it.

How does progress even look like?

I talked with my brother... that feeling like you're pushing a huge rock in front of you, weights hanging on your legs dragging you down, and your chest feels tight. He knows it too. Maybe it's something that runs in our family.

I come from a long line of weak men… the kind that beats their children because they can't face their own insecurities.

I feel like I have a tendency to disappear somewhere, to become a well-balanced person, and then mysteriously come back. It's like I can't face the fact that the people who matter to me the most will see in true colors – how flawed I am.

Anyway, take care 🌱
(you are not inferior to anyone)