27 dec, 2023

It's been almost a month since my last public post. I've been too emotional to write with a clear mind lately. Overreacting, annoyed, but also ecstatic and lightheaded. Since that last post, I turned 26, born on the darkest day of the year, and I feel like that darkness is a part of me. Ten years ago, I couldn't have guessed where I'd be now; it's so different from what I expected. I take comfort in the unpredictability of life, its twists and turns. It reminds me that there's no point in worrying or stressing about the future, as it's incredibly uncertain.

I'm opening myself to new opportunities, and new people. At first, I was scared, aware of how easily I conform to the rhythms of others. But I'm proud of myself in this matter. In the presence of others, I see the outlines of myself more clearly instead of being blurred.

Often, I feel a bit uneasy realizing how rare it is to find a true connection. A connection that goes deeper than shared interests. A connection that you can feel in the air. Feeling that the other person is on the same wavelength as you. But at the same time, I'm trying to accept people without expectations. To be aware of these limits and not be disappointed. I try not to approach people with the mindset of 'Is this a suitable partner/friend?' but more openly, like 'What role can this person have in my life?' But often, I find that how a person approaches one aspect of their life translates into all other aspects. So maybe I can't have friends 'just for skateboarding, or just for art, or just for sex'... I guess I'm looking for a certain tenderness in people, something I need in every activity i decide to do with others.

I'm also realizing how passionate I am, but unfortunately, my mind often gets in the way. Recently, there was a discussion on Twitter about proto-sexuality. It led me to realize how passionate I've been even in times when passion had completely innocent parameters and wasn't connected to sexuality. Fantasies. I was kinky as hell even as a child. Unfortunately, shame and fear of rejection have been controlling this energy for a long time. I'm trying to reconnect with this side of me.

take care 🌱

(and if you are reading this, feel free to say hi in the comments) 〰