22 nov, 2023

i see around me a lot of relationships (especially those romantic). relationships of ordinary people – friends, family, classmates, colleagues. and often i marvel at how trivial things can become tense topics. but on the other hand, they are capable of completely overlooking things that seem crucial to me when it comes to being with someone. how is that possible?

on one hand, i envy the simplicity of such relationships. if the fundamental dispute is about someone not lifting a toilet seat and the other demanding it, it sounds like a very easily solvable problem. on the other hand, the thought of having to deal with such things for the rest of one's life seems scary. being with someone for decades and not being able to go deeper. my idea of hell.

but i come from a background of basic relationships where feelings, vulnerabilities, and the whole internal world are not talked about much. so i believe that these people may experience similar emotions and notions to me, they just can't recognize, name (which sometimes isn't even possible), or direct them correctly. then those feelings are left to bubble up on these trivial matters.

i would like to think of myself as a good communicator. and if i'm not, i certainly believe that i have the potential to be. i think my problem is more in self-awareness. sometimes i know what i feel, what i want, what i need... but being aware of how i’m easily affected, and that nothing exists separately from everything else, i often start to question my emotional reality.

my apparent calmness is just a long and carefully constructed mask. most of the time, I'm screaming inside. I feel my insides screaming.

the problem with trauma is that sensitivity to "danger" is heightened. so sometimes what a person feels inside is significantly extrapolated. in other words, my brain is telling me to flee, flee, even in situations that most healthy people would consider a minor disagreement, a part of everyday human existence.

so when I try to silence those exaggerated emotions, I also silence those valid ones. it's hard to distinguish one from the other.

it's said, "they might have given you trauma, but it's YOUR responsibility to heal." i know. i take full responsibility. and that's another thing. balancing between self-pity and blaming myself for everything. fear of one sends me to the other and back.

i'm trying to find peace in solitude. look inside. listen to myself. what am i feeling right now? why is it like this? not knowing how to solve the puzzle of my self.

today, I visited my aunt and cousin. they're around 80. they've been through a lot, including cancer. even though their relationship seems normal in all forms, and they often make bit harsh jokes about each other, you can feel the love they have. the awareness that they only have each other and always have. the comfort.

anyway, take care 🌱