20 nov, 2023

Sometimes, I wish I didn't have to overanalyze everything I do. Just do what feels right at the moment without worrying if it's the result of my true self or just an attempt to meet expectations.

I feel like I repeat myself, and I fear that I'm not progressing. I'm afraid people might think I'm fake. Yet, spending too much time in my head, trying to be as cool as possible to avoid feeling forced, even though my interests are genuine, seems counterproductive.

Today, I opened my year-old profile (a summary of activities, interests, and rituals we periodically write in our collective); it pleased me to see some constants. It feels like yesterday, and I can't grasp how the year flew by. I try not to dwell on time with the capitalist logic of spending, losing, and gaining it. I’m trying to be in the present moment.

I feel quite lonely in Prague last couple days; I go to work, come home, do sone random stuff, occasionally cook, do laundry, clean dishes, take out the trash. Sometimes I take a bath or watch a movie. Perhaps because I've never truly been alone, I feel a bit strange. Or maybe it's thr lack of purpose, as they say.

Today, I had lunch with colleagues. I don’t understand they want to talk about work-related matters during lunch. I don't understand why they want to talk about them at all when they don't have to.

It seems calm, being so fully in character like they are. Clear rules, clear tasks. Endless growth. A family weekend getaway once a year. To the sea, to the mountains.

Why do we choose this as a society? I mean why to centre life around work for someone else.

Maybe it's not fair to say we choose it as a society. Each of us, as individuals, chooses it, including me.

What am I expecting? I console myself by saying it's just a temporary state; I need something for a fresh start, something to be able to invest to the real thing. I need this and that. And I'm afraid that before I realize it, I'll have a mortgage and be stuck in this cycle. Hope not 🤞🏻

Anyway, take care. 🌱