30 oct, 2023

today was challenging. physically, i was completely broken from yesterday's falling on the skateboard, and mentally, my thoughts were scattered.

crying on the subway makes me feel like i'm in a movie, adding an unusual sense of amusement to the moment.

what triggers me? honestly, i don't know. do i even have the right to expect anything? i'm not sure. and what am i expecting, really?

i started looking for a therapist. it frustrates me that most of the people i encounter seem incredibly unsympathetic to me, either by their appearance or what they say about themselves. perhaps i'm also battling a belief that therapists are just a correctional mechanism of a dysfunctional system. maybe if i didn't have to sit at the computer all day and could run through the woods, i wouldn't need a therapist.

the workday didn't seem to pass by at all, but fortunately, i managed to take a decent lunch break in the park, followed by a walk by the river. autumn is painting again. there's a scent of decaying leaves in the air, giving the whole scene an earthy atmosphere.

i'm still wearing slippers, partly because of "otužování," where i'm trying to train my cold resistance, and partly because my regular shoes are wracked, and i haven’t decided which shoes to buy next.

but the cold doesn't bother me. i wonder how long i can endure it.

as i was leaving work, i received an invitation from A to go for a beer with some other friends. i needed a distraction today. the beer isn't bringing me joy tho. i need to learn to drink some non-alcoholic drinks. but then i'm not as entertaining. i'm uptight, which i don't want to be. but maybe it's just a matter of practice.

anyway, take care 🌱