12 sep, 2023
I was the first one in the office today. with an automatic vacuum cleaner as my only companion.. it is very uncanny device btw, but i like it when the office is empty and calm.
It feels still so unreal. Sitting for 8 hours in front of a computer, moving letters and squares around. Chasing growth because making millions isn't enough. I don't understand. I can't shake the feeling that I'm in some post-apocalyptic movie. Walking among glass offices where dozens of people sit and stare at their monitors. Just come, plug yourself in, unplug after 8 hours. Repeat.
I feel like an anarchist at heart (or at least see myself as one), but I'm also a coward super anxious being. Either I don't have a job and I'm anxious about not being able to survive, or I have a job and I'm anxious because life is reduced to just that job. Or i have to accept that iām just not that smart to hack the system.
Why do I always tend to do everything so impulsively or overthink it? Jesus.
Sometimes I forget that I have this publicly on the web for anyone to read, but whatever, I guess. Nothing to lose.
It's strange how everyone in my family and the people I talk to are like, "What a great job you landed," but all I feel is disgust for it all. Even external validation doesn't work anymore. I take it as a temporary state, that currently there's no other way, but it's not forever. I'll make some budget for the start, pay off debts, and hopefully have more options then.
Until then, take care š±
