06 jun, 2023

Over the past few days, I've been repeating the same ritual. I open TextEdit, start writing, lose interest after a couple of paragraphs, and close TextEdit. It's not because I don't have anything to write about. Often, that paragraph is quite extensive and could be developed into a deeper reflection, but I simply lack the energy to finish it and share it. I've also started thinking about the role that sharing and writing in my journal play in this ritual. I believe writing helps me organize my thoughts and strive for focused thinking and building a personality with integrity. Sharing, on the other hand, is more secondary, but still important. It allows me to open the doors to new people in my life. Through my less intimate channels here on are.na, I've already met many wonderful people, so I'm broadcasting further possibilities to the world.

I fear that someone will accuse me of not being sincere towards them. That fear is so strong that whenever someone gets to know me and starts showing some interest, I'm like, "nah, just wait a few days, and you'll see that I'm just a shithead, and you won't like me that much." Of course, this internal struggle happens inside me, while externally, I appear ordinarily distant and disassociated... Maybe it would be better not to aspire to becoming a good person, but a good conman... Then at least I could take pleasure in how well I fool those around me, although not so much anymore. I've lost that skill.

On days when I don't encounter any tangible signs of "what's happening" and manage to forget about all the signs I already know, I feel quite calm. I try to look at it like this: given what has happened in the last... omg, it's already been eight months... it would be a lot for anyone. I'm proud of how I've handled it. I guess I couldn't have done more...

I want to use the space that has opened up in my life for myself, to welcome new people into my life, and to reconnect with my family. AND I won't settle for anything less than world-shifting, heart-opening, soul-shattering love. If it's not a "hell yeah", it's a no.

I came across a book called "Existential Kink"... I don't want to go into too much detail about it, but it's definitely worth checking out. It prompted me to reflect on the things I actually dislike about myself. And try to reflect if those things might have some kinky part to them. Like you just enjoy hurting yourself. The book aims to explore these areas and teach a person how to accept them.

That's what I want to work on in the coming days, weeks, months, years...

Take care 🌱