31 may, 2023

The reason I am in LBC is that my brother finished high school, and there was an official certificate ceremony awaiting him. It's a big deal in our family, as not just anyone achieves this milestone. Along with this ritual, we had a family lunch together – my brother, mom, dad, and me. It was probably the first time in about 12 years, since they divorced, that we all sat at the same table. I was a bit nervous about it because my father can't control himself when he feels his ego is threatened, and my mom sometimes has a tendency to provoke him by pinpointing exactly what triggers him.

Surprisingly, everything went smoothly. I'm not saying it was a pleasant or uplifting experience, but it was fine. I was anxious, but it wasn't really caused by the situation itself. I had brought that with me. I tried to resist the triggers and instead explore what they evoked in me and be generally attentive to any patterns that might have existed in this family setting. I wanted to use this opportunity to gain insight into the negativity that I probably subconsciously suppressed or distorted.

One thing that stuck in my mind is that my father never asks any questions. He simply talks about himself, and if someone wants to say something, they have to start talking over him. Not only does he not ask questions, but when someone tells him something, he only responds by talking about himself.

Actually, I have one memory that was the opposite extreme. It was one time when we hadn't seen him for a long time, and then we were driving somewhere together, and there was silence in the car for a while. Suddenly, he started yelling at me, asking why I wasn't saying anything since we hadn't seen each other for so long. That was quite paralyzing... and I still feel that way today when someone doesn't ask specific questions and wants me to simply say something. It's extremely difficult and stressful for me to grasp any thought, not necessarily related to this experience, but just speaking in general is such a broad demand that it's hard to find a single concrete thread.

Anyway, later that day, I went to my grandma's to water the flowers and feed the animals. It was nice. I realized that the places where I used to spend every summer now look completely different. The secret corners of her garden and the surroundings. I felt a bit sad about it, but at the same time, the idea of spending as much time there as the rest of the family members who live nearby are expected to scare me.

Take care 🌱