31 may, 2023

Yesterday I came across a block on Are.na that said something along the lines of: "Every time you compromise your boundaries for someone else, you're basically telling them that you love them or having them around more than you love yourself." And I felt that. Until recently, I would have thought it was a good thing to do – that's how you prove the greatest love, through the greatest sacrifices. But that's not true I guess.

I need to learn how to set my boundaries and at the same time not turn them into high walls. I also need to find the strength and sufficient love for myself. But here's the tricky part. Every time I've tried to focus on myself in this way, I ended up closing myself off from everyone else.

I might have some sort of brain damage because I seem to be capable of intense feelings towards only one person at a time, including myself. (lol, plz help)

I had a strange conversation with my mom. It's scary that she's still dealing with similar struggles in her forties. I guess healing is a lifelong journey. I hope I have at least a little advantage in that and by then I'll be better off.

Why would anyone want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with them? Or if someone enjoys someone's presence even if they don't get anything more from them, is that enough? How does one maintain a certain degree of autonomy while still having a committed relationship? Or can love simply transcend all of that?

I'm currently trapped between my over-thinking mind, my heart over-loving heart, and at the moment also my under-breathing lungs (because this whole fucking thing is choking).
What do I do? What do I do?

Take care 🌱