30 may, 2023

I've had this post started for a week now. I don't know what's real and what's just an illusion. I never know how it happens. When I returned from LBC after my biggest breakdown, I felt like everything was suddenly reset. The same thing happened when we were in Copenhagen. Our last dance. Sometimes I reach a good place, I'm at peace with the end, and I don't succumb to sentimentality, the barrier holds. And then I don't even know how it happens, and I'm back in a completely surrendered position. I contemplate things that I half do so, thinking, "Maybe this is our last walk together, sunny afternoon, breakfast, an episode of our favorite series," and I assign importance to those events even at the cost of possibly not deriving any real enjoyment from them. There are moments when I feel invisible, or conversely, the surroundings become invisible, and I am alone even though there are people around, including K. Perhaps our last meal together happened a long time ago? Since then, each of us occupies a completely different mental space, and we're simply next to each other, not together.

When we were in Copenhagen, I truly felt that love again, the desire to fill that time together, I felt held and I felt her in my arms like before. Like before... those are dangerously powerful words. No differently! I held you at that moment exactly as I wanted to hold you, and you held me, not like before, just as it should have been at that moment. Even though I know you were spending the work mornings in the chat and probably logging our daily experiences, it could be ignored or just simply accepted.

I also feel like I can't be completely open about what I want to write about, so I'm considering options on how to continue this ritual without getting people around me into trouble (lol, there I go again). And I probably don't want to complicate things for myself at the moment either. I feel like there's enough that I need to resolve or, conversely, try not to dwell on, and pouring oil on the fire in the form of very explicit posts here wouldn't help anything. I've been thinking about starting an alt... but it would probably lead me to similar people on Are.na. I'm also thinking about how to block certain people programmatically. It's possible to restrict someone from seeing my content or mute them so I don't get notifications from them, but completely cutting someone off is probably not possible, and that's something I need.

I have this compelling need to follow the content of those two and try to extract something from it, some hints... I don't even know what for. We talked about this recently, that I'm probably trying to seek out the most damaging things so that they can create a significant shift in my mind and let it be. It's probably easier to let go of someone you hate, someone you feel has hurt you, than a person you genuinely care about and want to be with (and who wants to be with you (at least at moments)). But yeah, sometimes you need to let people go because you love them.

take care 🌱