03 may, 2023

I have had my first meeting with a therapist. My initial feelings are a bit mixed, but that's probably due to my primary mindset. Nonetheless, it's better than nothing for the time being, at least until I can find someone who is more attuned to my vibes.

I thought I had an idea of what I wanted to discuss, but at that moment, it was difficult to articulate anything, so we spent a large portion of our allotted time trying to piece together what exactly was bothering me.

As expected, it's incredibly difficult for someone "on the outside" to understand my worldview... that I don't take formal education too seriously, that I don't seek any meaning in work, and that I have no desire to climb the corporate ladder... so you can imagine the pain it takes to explain the reality of my relationship with K (which I believe was something extraordinary)..let alone the dynamics of the studio, and especially the dynamic of the "situation", in order to avoid any misunderstandings or rushed judgment. It's exhausting really...

Perhaps I don't have a problem with the absence of identity, I just can't seem to believe, embrace, and accept my true identity. Maybe I'm trying to be someone else and that's why it's weighing on me.

For the first time, I've also articulated my suicidal thoughts out loud. Not that I was planning on doing it, but in moments when my mind decides to take me for a wild wild ride, the calmness and stillness of death seem enticing.

But there's still the risk that I would only remove my body, and my soul would have to deal with that state of chaos for eternity, which I don't want to risk.

I'll probably have to choose a slower strategy and sort out the mess in my head before I deserve eternal chill."

Anyway, If you've experienced something similar and want to share or just want to say hi, it would be greatly appreciated.

Otherwise, take care 🌱