03 may, 2023

Yesterday, I fell apart. I always feel like we're on the right track and doing well in working it out together, but then some small thing happens that triggers a cycle of mutual overthinking and everything goes to hell. We can't continue like this. We're stuck in an endless spiral of doubt and uncertainty, and that's not a good environment for building a relationship. We need to break that cycle.

Now I have to learn to deal with the emptiness that has arisen. It's terrible. Losing that "special" person, the one you want to debrief with after a tough day, the one you want to tell every exciting thing that happens to you, the one that understands, your best friend.

Today, I'm going to see a psychologist. After months of searching, I finally found one. I'm a bit uneven tho.

Although the breakup hurts, what hurts more is that I don't know who I am outside of that relationship. And I don't even know if I really don't know, or if I was just convinced that I didn't know. My fucking head. Was I daydreaming the whole time? Was I trying to be the perfect boyfriend so much that I forgot to be anything else? And that's terrible.

So I'm at square one. I've declared what I call trust bankruptcy. I don't trust the people around me, but most importantly, I don't trust myself, and I need to start working on that. The plan is to start with small things, small promises to myself, and keep them.

Quote of the day: "Disappoint as many people as you need to, not to disappoint yourself."