24 apr, 2023

I would like to go back to a time when I didn't care as much about what other people thought of me when I would just do what felt right to me, and wait for things to happen. I'm thinking about the point where all of that disappeared. I can remember interactions that were pure and spontaneous. I can remember being obsessed with someone, in love, and being able to talk for hours without any need to eat or sleep.

I'm talking about that feeling when you don't need to bury the person with your demands because you just know that it's mutual and don’t need any proof of it because just their pure presence of them is so great. There's no anxiety about being used, mistreated nor about using and mistreating them.

I do have some relationship issues from my formative years, but for some time, they didn't limit me from experiencing what pure, fearless love is. But what happened? When did everything change?

After my first big love and following heartbreak, I might have shut down my negative emotions. Unfortunately, that also killed everything along with it. From that point on, every relationship followed the same pattern. I would try to focus on myself and my friends, but when someone showed me attention, I would be cold but keep them close. If they stayed, I allowed myself to fall in love, and let the barricades to slowly fall off. As soon as they were down, something happen, and I found myself back at the start. The barriers grew a little bit bigger and a little bit thicker with each failed relationship. If that wasn't enough, I started to believe that as long as I played it safe and acted like an easygoing, friendly, cheerful guy, everything would go well. But as soon as I showed my true self, no one wanted it.

In the last couple of days, I've been trying to shift my mindset. Instead of asking myself how to be good for someone, I ask if that person is good enough for me. I also keep in mind the quote, "Disappoint as many people as you need to, not to disappoint yourself." These realizations have helped me change my perspective on relationship issues. As a people pleaser, I have always tried not to disappoint anyone and to prove my worth to others based on what I thought they wanted from me.

So what do I do now? I want to be loved for who I truly am, but I don't even know who that is. Unfortunately, our society values power and efficiency over love, care, and letting things evolve. Even though my heart tells me to go out and love everyone and let anyone who wants to love me, capitalism tells me to be cautious with my investments, to only invest in people who show potential for growth. This mindset turns love into an expectation, an expectation that no one has the power to predict or fulfill.

It's not just limited to my relationships with people, it extends to my interests as well. I'm eager to explore, learn and experiment with so many things. However, the anxiety of not doing something that can't be monetized, sold on social media, or be useful to others is crippling. As a result, I tend to dabble in a little bit of everything, then try to conform to certain criteria that I feel might be more profitable or useful, only to end up feeling the burden of doing it solely for those purposes. It becomes difficult to focus and I shift back to what I enjoy, and the cycle repeats. As a result, I'm constantly wavering and doing nothing that truly interests me nor brings any profit.

take care 🌱