17 apr, 2023

Sometimes I completely lose myself in work and then realize that I've been sitting in one place for 6 hours straight. It's scary. Solitude may be bearable when you're in isolation – there you can at least attribute it to external circumstances, but when you're with people and still feel lonely, you know the problem is somewhere else.

I'm thinking about where to go now. In the city where I'm right now, I have the most current friendships or more like acquaintances and probably the best work potential at the moment, it's a good place to live. But it's far from my family. And besides a few streets, I don't really know this place, I don't have any strong connection to it. I miss nature.

I could go to Prague... the prospect of a larger network of friends/acquaintances attracts me there, but I ask myself: do I still know them, do they still know me? I have in my head what it was like five years ago, but I can't estimate what it's like now; if it's even possible to pick up where I left off, or if there ever was anything connecting us on a deeper level... and so I fear that I might chase after something that doesn't even exist and never did.

I could go back to my hometown, but what's there? There might be potential to start anything there because currently there's not much. But job opportunities? Nothing. Rents are almost like in Prague. But nature is close... but then again, I'm afraid I would get caught up in those same old acquaintances and become this small-town boy.

So what now? Everywhere I read that people create a network of people in their twenties, from which they then live for the rest of their lives. I would be tempted to go somewhere completely different and start over... but I'm not the kind of person who comes in and immediately has a lot of friends. I need time.

I'm wondering if I've ever really "made" a friend. It feels like all of my close relationships were just caused by being forced to sit with someone in one room for several years, five days a week.

I don't know anything. So I guess the best approach would be to make peace with it.

Take care 🌱