28 mar, 2023

I don't know what happened, three weeks with no signs of trouble and now all of a sudden everything at once.

I started to look forward to going back home, but it's as if my body didn't want to believe all that optimism. it rather knocks me down right away, so that the only thing that can come is a pleasant surprise.

on top of that my computer broke, my bike was stolen. and I have flu or something... but that's just the icing on the cake.

It's always the same. I keep my distance, after a while I find the courage and strength to open up... and for what? Just to be abandoned again? and it takes a lot of willpower to put myself back together and try again, but every time it gets harder and harder.... and I don't know how many times I can do it. I feel like I'm loosing it.

The last thing I wanted in life was to end up like my fuckin' father - bitter and lonely. bu I guess I'm probably on my best way to end up exactly like that.

Is it so hard to like me i wonder? I'm tired of waiting for someone, keeping my mouth shut, and hoping for the bare fuckin minimum... but I'm afraid if I don't do all those things, there will be noone left. No one's gonna go the extra mile for me.

And maybe it's me? Maybe I cut everybody off without realizing it. And when it's coming to an end, I'd rather go off on my own, because then at least I have some sense of control.

Yeah, community, I dont know if I still belive in this stuff... nobody takes it seriously anyway. I guess it's better to be a fuckin' individualist and not care about anybody... I don't know.